We are evangelists of the American Way. Profit, luxury, excess--these are our precious birthrights. Let's not let the self-hating hippies dupe us into a horrible future of organic Birkenstocks and hemp-powerered cars. Our country needs to hear that it's OK to spend, consume and party like it's going out of style--and we're just the girls to tell them.

The frequent flyer miles from our husbands' trips to Iraq allow us to keep up our rigorous schedule of New York City performances. But we're needed elsewhere. To spread our message of love throughout the country, we need a vehicle that symbolizes all that is right about our beloved US of A. A Hummer II will do nicely.

Unfortunately, our allowances barely cover our considerable lifestyle expenses and simply will not suffice to purchase the car we were born to drive.

But don't fret--you can help. Give generously to the Missile Dick Chick Hummer Fund. Make checks out to: Chashama Inc. Mail checks to: MDC/Chashama, Suite 2F, 20 East 31st Street, NY, NY 10016. You'll be glad you did.