Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Gitmo or Bust! 

12:53 AM (permalink)
Babs reports:

Dubya and the Missile Dick Chicks headed towards our yacht last weekend to transport an important prisoner to Guantanamo, Cuba, also known as Gitmo.

We stopped off at a crowded area near the beach thinking folks were there to see Billy Graham, but it was only a bunch of art freaks at Coney Island.

To make good use of the day, we inspected some real estate for potential deal-making. On the boardwalk, I spotted this evidence of craven debauchery. Now tell me, why burn a perfectly good flag when you can use it for fashion?
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Monday, June 13, 2005

Effin-g Bush 

10:28 PM (permalink)
Babs reports:
A dispatch from Dolly Daily Bombings about her latest exploits with a gaggle of West Coast chicks; from her yacht off the Northern California coast.

It was just beginning to get dark-- cocktail hour and our pharmaceutical cocktails were kicking in (oxyi-cotin,cocaine,xanex,etc). One of the slaves passed out margaritas. They were blended to perfection. We toasted the future of the San Francisco shoreline-paved over and covered with luxury condos. Dixie Mae sniffed the air. "Oh my God! What's that disgusting smell? It smells like dead fish." She pointed to the shore and let out an unearthly scream. "Girls look! HIPPIES".

There were all these dirty hippies milling about on the beach. At first,we couldn't figure out what they were doing but it didn't look good. "They've got George!" Becky Tel said. It was horrifying. These terrible hippies had captured our Dubya. Savages. I heard one of them swear at George, calling him an "effin-g".

I believe they were having a devil worshiping ceremony and George was to be their sacrificial victim. We all agreed that we must save George. Without a moment to spare we got to shore. Becky Tel planted the flag of Crawford, Texas in the sand. We weren't messin' around.

I heard one of the hippies (the one they call Bernie) yell out "Live by the gas. Die by the flame". He doused the wood underneath George's feet with gasoline and lit it on fire. I spied a fire extinguisher on the ground a few feet away from Bernie the hippy. I summoned my courage - ran up and grabbed the thing. Bernie the hippy tried to wrestle the fire extinguisher out of my hands but I was determined to hang on to it. I stared right into his horrible hippy face. I have never been so afraid in my life. He had a frightful devil's beard and the tallest dirtiest head of hair I have ever seen. I thought I was going to be crushed by his massive hair. I pulled the lever of the fire extinguisher. The flames shot up into the air. I almost had a heart attack. That wasn't water in that fire extinguisher. It was some kind of flammable something. Ann Ron ran up with "old glory." She tried to smother the fire with the flag (she's so patriotic that Ann Ron). To our horror the stars and stripes caught fire. There was utter chaos.

Ann War collapsed on the sand and was kicking and screaming "I want my pharmaceuticals", she yelled, "get me my drugs". Poor dear. We were all in such a tizzy. Suddenly, George fell with a thud. His head rolled off. We didn't know what to do.
"We need aroma therapy", Dixie Mae declared. She was suprisingly calm and collected. "There is nothing that can't be solved by a little Channel #5", she added as she spritzed us with perfume. "Get the head", Hallie Burton cried out. "We've got to save Dubya's head". Ann Ron bravely fished our commander and chief's head out of the hot fire with a metal pole. The six of us cheered. We had his head. He could now be brought back to life the way they did with Walt Disney. Dubya's head was pretty charred but I know science can work miracles.

Bernie the hippy: "The effigy burning was far-out. We've burned a lot of them but this was the weirdest. Right as we were about to light George up, they came to shore in their boat. That really blew our minds, man!"

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