Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Pre-emptive Victory Tour Day 9: Washington DC Sept 21st-22nd 

11:50 PM (permalink)
bubbles bomlovah reports:

The Missile Dick Chicks arrive in DC from Charlottesville in time for a beautiful sunset power pyramid in front of the nation's foremost and the MDC's favorite obelisk.

Paying homage to the nation's true seat of power, the Supreme Court of the USA. Thanks Justice Scalia! We couldn't have arranged election 2000 without your help.

We held a patriotic picnic in front of the monument and invited passersby to join us for red and blue jello with white cool whip and cherry pie. A group of clean-cut, shiny, coifed upwardly mobile youngsters came over to pose for photos, and one of them confessed they work for George! How exciting!

Double W's with Bubbles and Dolly.

The Missile Dick Chicks thank all the angels who helped make this tour possible, you know who you are! USA rules!!! (literally).
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Pre-emptive Victory Tour Day 8: Charlottesville, VA Sept. 21th 

11:18 PM (permalink)
bubbles bomlovah reports:
This morning the Missile Dick Chicks awoke in Charlottesville after a beautiful night's rest in a luxurious hotel suite. The previous day both the Principessa and Peaches left the tour to check on their investments. Around lunchtime today we walked on to the lovely campus at University of Virginia.
They have lots of green lawn and hysterical sites. We think it would be better if they got rid of the older hysterical sites and put up some more parking lots. We sang several songs for a bunch of students while they were changing classes; then a nice young lady asked if we could perform for her women's studies class. They were having class outside. We sang them a few songs and talked for a little while about Laura Bush, being a lady instead of a woman, and finding a rich man to take care of them.
The student newspaper Daily Cavalier covered our visit.

Behind us in the amphitheater there were some ROTC trainees practicing the changing of the guard. Each group did their paces for an hour, and the whole thing lasts 24 hours. Bubbles says, "Their choreography was very complex, well-timed, rigorous, and perfectly punctuated. I want the Missile Dick Chicks to pay careful attention to them to improve our dance techniques."

While in Charlottesville we stopped at the mall downtown. It seems like it is also sort of a hysterical site and it's a very un-American mall because there's no roof or air-conditioning so the sun comes right through. We walked through the brick alleys singing and met some great folks, including the Queen of the Red Hats. Sarah with the jewelry store called the local NBC affiliate and they came out and videotaped us singing "Shop". There was also a guy hanging around named Michael Meyers, he said we should keep doing what we're doing, that it's worth it even if we only change one person's vote.
None of the chicks paid for our lunch that day.

This report was brought to you by Babs, posted by Bubbles
xoxo
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Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Pre-emptive Victory Tour Day 7: Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill Sept. 20th 

11:22 AM (permalink)
Babs reports:
Last night the Missile Dick Chicks drove from Asheville to Durham. The most interesting thing about the trip was a stop about halfway there. We met a man in the parking lot of the convenience store who lived behind the store in a tent. He shared his 12-pack of beer with us. He said he lives in a tent because he wants to. Once in Durham we hooked up with our new branding agent Luke in his tree-lined manor.

Today we went to downtown Raleigh and discovered by coincidence that Sen. John Edwards, (D) North Carolina/VP wannabe was addressing a group of Teamsters. Of course we wanted to go in and try to find out how much it would cost to buy some influence in Washington in the unlikely event that the Democrats win the election in November. We doubt it's possible but we'd like to have some insurance just in case. Anyway, we never did get inside to talk to John Edwards but there were tons of photographers there that appreciated our beauty and we met some other Democrats. That party has a long way to go before they can be as good at war profiteering as the Republicans, especially the current regime that's helping us so much. A man named Mark drove us in his convertible like Homecoming Queens to the NC GOP Headquarters.
Once again we were not able to get any campaign buttons just like in the Ohio GOP HQ. This time we went inside the building and spoke to a lady who seemed to like us until she saw our Patriot Missiles. By that time her boss was there and he asked us to leave, much more nicely than those Ohio ones did.
Mark escorted us to Chapel Hill, the home of the University of NC. We performed in "the pit" by the dining hall and met a bunch of cool people. By far the most memorable interaction was one between a former marine, Calleb, who had served recently in Iraq, and a poly-sci know-it-all, along with a Christian know-it-all. As Dolly recounts it, every time Calleb tried to discuss his experiences in Iraq trying to save the dying soldiers and Iraqi kids all around him, the know-it-alls would talk over him with their comparable experience of reading about war, and hearing about it 2nd-hand. The know-it-alls were an inspiration to Dolly because they refused to listen to the marine who has now become a peacenik. Dolly says, "Just like W, they were steadfast and resolute. We need these type of people to take over for the next generation of war leaders who have never gone to war."
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Sunday, September 19, 2004

Pre-emptive Victory Tour Day ?? Sept 18th-19th 

11:36 PM (permalink)
Babs reports:
Being on tour, one starts to lose track of time, therefore I don't know what day it is. But if we're in Asheville, NC it must be Sunday. Yesterday after we left Lexington, KY we got on the road again to go to North Carolina. Unfortunately we haven't got the hurricane control gizmo perfected yet. The storm mostly does effect the really poor people, which is good, but this time Hurricane Ivan also took out the highway we needed to use to drive to Asheville so we had to take the long way to get there. Although it was a long drive, the chicks arrived in time for an active Saturday night in downtown Asheville. We invaded the pub Jack of the Wood and sang "Show Us", "Shop", and "Lyin'" (with power pyramid finale). We spent a lot of time downtown singing and talking to everyone. Our local host was the famous guru Virato, a new age businessman. We wanted to consult with him about futures in precious crystals and petroleum-based yogur mats. After our evening performances we hung out in his beautiful mansion in the mountains with his lovely wife the Czarina Cisco-Ciscee.

Today, Babs (that's me) rejoined the tour from the big wedding. Also we had the Czarina joining us for the day. We were all over downtown again trying to convert all the local hippies. We performed at Pack Square by the obelisk, Pritchard Park, Smoky Joe's on Broadway, and Rosetta's vegetarian restaurant on Lexington Avenue. In the light of day it became more and more obvious that we had our work cut out for us. There were hippies and crystals everywhere you looked. The restaurants even had vegetable food instead of just barbecue. Many restaurants had outdoor dining spaces where the patrons enjoyed our songs, even if they weren't in favor of war like us. We went most of the day without meeting any fellow Republicans until the very end when we finally met 2 ladies who love Bush as much as us. We were so outnumbered by the hippies that we figured they might try to convert us if we stayed any longer. We took a final stab at converting the hippies at the Earth Fare health food store, but thankfully the store manager is not in favor of free speech (neither are we) so we had to take our message outside to the parking lot. As Candy says, "It's good to know the hippie companies have the same rules and regulations as our normal fascist American corporations: no free speech on commercial private property (in case anyone would get offended). Virato reports, "The Czarina was so elated by your visit that after you left she bought some more stock in Wal-Mart and Texaco. Asheville says Bravo to your visit!"
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Victory Tour Update 

11:59 AM (permalink)
candy can reports:
Howdy,

Peaches here, eating a peach as I blog.

We are relaxing in elegant decadence at a spa in Asheville, NC. We will be performing and brunching in the town square as soon as we are done dressing up our hostess the Zarina Cisco Ciscee for her debut as a Missile Dick Chick.

Here's what Bubbles has to say...

When we last reported, we were heading toward Antioch for our gig. Well, we arrived at dusk and joined videolady's former acquaintance from her FBI days. After a delicious dinner of fois gras at the local four-star restaurant, we converted 23 hippie children with our fabulous song and dance routines. They assured us their families would convert and vote for Dubya! Friday morning was spent next to the Jacuzzi, while video lady and friend whisked Babs to her Lear jet in order that she attend an in-law's wedding in Quatar. Our slaves cooked us breakfast and washed our laundry. Dolly had an outfit emergency, so off we went to TJ Maxx (there wasn't a Saks in sight!), where she offered to pay more for a lovely sweater with diamond encrusted buttons. The lady refused her money! We won't be investing in that company anytime soon. Bubbles also acquired a stylish pair of patriotic spiked heels and a new veil for her church hat. Our shopping a success, we headed to Cincinnati. It was a wonderful surprise when Lula and Peaches joined us! Their faces were fresh and ruddy from acid peels. We were greeted at the Cincinnati House of Worship with a steak and caviar dinner, all the local holy luminaries in attendance. After a delicious dessert of Baked Alaska, we invaded the world infamous Sitwell's on Ludow Street. We convinced everyone to take a shower and buy stock in Diebold. What a lovely apple pie they served! Of course, only occu-pie is more American. Then, a mysterious gentleman on a motorcycle (a CIA operative?) demanded that we follow him to a party celebrating Downtown for Democracy! We could not resist our desire to gloat and gloat and gloat, so off we went and ended up entertaining those anarchist children with our nuber one hit "Shop." We loved dancing to the hip-hop sound of "Animal Crackers," a local Cincinnati star ensemble. The CIA man then whisked us back to his mansion for martinis at 2 am in his heated pool. Saturday morning we celebrated Octoberfest at Fountain Square with the little people. A lovely gentleman in lederhosen was grateful to see us and served us all gourmet bratwurst for breakfast! Then, after a heavy duty exercise session around the fountain conducted by Bubbles, we crossed the border and had lunch at a four star restaurant called FT Wright. We met a sweet lady in patriotic garb who is a "Red Hat." The Red Hats are ladies over 50 who wear red hats and purple dresses and go to parties. She was a kindred spirit. Our gracious CIA host bid us bye-bye. Our next stop was the fabulous Lexington, Kentucky, where Bubbles and Candy demonstrated their expert horse riding skills. Near the football stadium, we ran into some fans enjoying American beer and potato chips. It's called a "Tailgate Party." The biggest Republican in the district was there! He gave us a glorious Bush/Cheney '04 poster which we now proudly display in the back window of the Hummer.

That's all the news for now... our Victory Tour is a glorious success!

Kiss, kiss, kiss...

Peaches
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Thursday, September 16, 2004

Pre-emptive Victory Tour Day 2: Columbus, OH Wednesday Sept 15-Thursday Sept 16 

11:28 PM (permalink)
Babs reports:
Yesterday we left Cleveland and picked up our good friend, the Principessa Berlusconi, at the airport in Columbus, Ohio. She is a foreigner, but the good kind, rich and powerful like us. We dined in the Short North area of Columbus at the Short North Tavern. They had wonderful food and beer and after our meal they turned down the music so we could sing "Oil" for them.

This morning we headed straight for the Ohio Republican Headquarters, on Rich Street. We wanted to get some buttons that say Bush Cheney like the one Bubbles got during the RNC. They had a big brick building with tinted windows, and opened the door for us when they saw us coming. They wouldn't give us any buttons though and ended up shutting the door right in our faces! They said, "If you don't get off our property we'll have you arrested". We don't know why they didn't give us the proper respect. We sang some songs for them anyway while they watched and took photos from behind the tinted windows. The police on bikes came by and they were very friendly just like the NYPD. By now it was lunchtime so we went to the state capitol district and entertained the workers on their lunch breaks. On the Capitol grounds we were stopped by two State Trooper ladies with lovely hats who were concerned that we were conducting a demonstration. She got the idea by the position of our missiles on our bodies. Once we explained that we were celebrating war and that our missiles were safe and secure they allowed us to walk across the grounds. We spent a large amount of time in front of one government building where they were very interested in our songs. Some of the state employees told their co-workers to come down and watch us. We gave away nearly all our business cards.

We dropped by the Ohio State University campus but school is not in session yet. We posed for some photos at the Wexner Art Center and sang for the arty folks. We were gloating about how the military budget is decreasing funds for the arts and education. Also Bubbles wanted to show off her high kicks. Near campus we got ice-cream at the United Dairy Farms and met Alisa, who is a suicide girl. They just might want to start a local chapter of the Missile Dick Chicks.

Finally before leaving Columbus we stopped off at the Franklin County Republican HQ on Gay Street. That is a major coincidence because we found out that one of the local Republican politicians is GAY. I guess it's not news anymore if a Democrat is gay. The county volunteers were more responsive to our charms than the state ones. They posed with us in photos but we still didn't get any Dubya buttons.
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Pre-emptive Victory Tour Day 1: Cleveland, OH Tuesday Sept 14-Sept 15 

1:11 AM (permalink)
Babs reports:
Bubbles, Candy, Dolly, Sparkle and myself, Babs, pulled into Cleveland just in time for the Indians baseball game. The baseball park is located in a lovely downtown neighborhood. We sang for the baseball fans arriving to the game. After the game started we walked around the warehouse district greeting the diners in the outdoor cafes. It's a very friendly town, but we met quite a few people who are NOT going to vote for W, including one police officer I talked to. We ate dinner at a lovely establishment named for Alice Cooper called Coopertown. One of the regular patrons is a writer who is responsible for the book about that unpatriotic traitor John Kerry, called "Unfit for Command". We met him and spoke with him briefly. Many of the patrons were familiar with him and his book. I spoke with a lady who believed every word of the book without question. I told her she shouldn't believe what she reads, because no one can prove John Kerry even went to Vietnam in the first place. I think he faked the whole damn thing, not just the medals. I mean, why would a rich person go to war if they can avoid it? He must have faked it! We also met some UAW workers; they weren't really Kerry fans either, but they refused to give their support to W. I guess they were communists, visiting for a union meeting all the way from St. Louis. Another Cleveland visitor beside the union folks and the Missile Dick Chicks was Laura Bush. She didn't go to the game like us, but she spoke for a community college. Although she says W is for Women, we think that W is for War, of course. We don't believe in colleges either, but we understand that Laura has to put on a show because of the election.

Today we hooked up with our documentrix Jackie Video Lady upon her arrival from Toronto. Our husbands hired her to spy on us all the time with the video camera. It was a beautiful day in downtown Cleveland and we walked all around talking to the folks on their lunch break. We went inside the giant Tower Center to get our lunch, but the policeman there said we had "questionable attire" and wanted us to leave. We left after we got our lunch from the food court, but not before several more police officers inquired about our plans. They were so concerned about us that they walked us right out to the front door. Near the fountains outside we sang for more people.

Next we visited the Museum for the USS Cod submarine and posed next to the torpedo with our missiles.

We also visited the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. There was a special exhibit honoring Mary Wilson of the Supremes, so in her honor we sang "Shop in the Name of War". But we think Diana Ross is more supreme, because she's more of a diva like us. As we were leaving the Hall of Fame area we met a man selling drinks. He liked us so he gave us all free water. Then he told us that his son is a marine going off to Iraq very soon. We told him to thank his son for sacrificing himself for the greater cause of corporate profits.

All in all, Cleveland has been lovely but there's not as many undecided voters as we thought there would be.
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Saturday, September 04, 2004

Thank you New York!  

1:49 PM (permalink)
Babs reports:
The Missile Dick Chicks would like to thank New Yorkers for being so accomodating while were here. We understand that many citizens left town in order to make more room for us. We love these jaded types who can't be bothered to get involved in politics. Their lack of interest allows us Republicans to get our policies across so much more easily. Also, I saw a sight that New Yorkers staying indoors would never see, 2 waiters walking down the center of an empty 7th Ave towards the Madison Square Garden security ring, holding trays of hors d'ourves. Another one of those only in New York moments.

Here's a photo, courtesy B G Johnson while we were taunting the Bush protestors outside the Garden during his speech.


After that we went to a pub to catch the end of the speech, but the bartender refused to play the sound and eventually switched it to sports. Again, we think that it is highly appropriate for the clientele of this type of bar to watch sports rather than learning more about our political leaders. If they learned too much they might go outside and join those silly protestors.

Then it was off to Herald Square to crash the Next Generation of Leaders party at Gotham Hall, honoring the Bush twins and Emily Pataki, among others. Outside the bar Candy bonded with a lady delegate who was dressed almost exactly like us. She totally agreed with us that killing for profit is a great way to make money.

By the way, I'd like to give special props to Chris Matthew's Hard Ball of MSNBC for causing the largest possible traffic disruption in Manhattan at Herald Square. What a great way to inconvience those poor working slobs who couldn't afford to get out of town.
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Thursday, September 02, 2004

Dubya Day 

7:53 PM (permalink)
Babs reports:
Last night, Wednesday Sept 1st, the Missile Dick Chicks started our evening in Times Square waving to all the delegates as they drove past in buses after the convention got out. Some strange group in matching jogging outfits ran around and around the block yelling and passing out stickers which said Run against Bush I was surprised because I thought only California people still jogged. We told 'em to hit the showers.

Bubbles, Candy, and I sped over to the Copacabana and sang our trademark song "Show me" to the party-goers waiting in line to get into the club. Almost all the cops there appreciated our performance. There we also met three lovely gentlemen from the NYPD who appear to have been assigned to protect us all week! Manhattan is really a small town, by the way. I'd say we're nearly on a first-name basis with many of 'em.

We capped off the night at Siberia Bar with some rowdy rock-n-roll types. (photo courtesy mulluysavage)
Reminded me of the good old party days with Dubya! I sure miss those alcohol soaked debaucherous times in the 70's...oh wait, that was last night.

Today, Thursday Sept 2nd, is the day our commander addresses the nation. To honor him, all the city's fountains were dyed red, white, and blue. Unfortunately you couldn't really see the the blue or white so the effect wasn't quite right.

Oh, and I nearly forgot! We went to Macy's again, this time stock up on our favorite "Nancy Reagan Red" lipstick, Channel #22. Macy's is so thankful to have good customers like us!
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Wednesday, September 01, 2004

It's Hummer Time 

9:24 PM (permalink)
Babs reports:
Early yesterday evening, Tuesday August 31st, Becky "Boom-boom" Bushwacker tried to greet some Texas delegates at BB Kings, but ended up conducting an interview with a cable news network. She left immediately when she realized it wasn't Fox News, but rather some "hip hop" show.

Later about 7 of us gals performed for some rather unconventional types at a lovely spot on Pier 63 known as the Frying Pan. The audience there was very gracious. Then even later Bubbles, Candy and I cruised around the city at high speeds in our matching hummers. Most of midtown Manhattan has special lanes just for us to drive in, which is great if you are one of the rich & privledged like we are. We followed the marquee lights to Spirit nightclub in Chelsea where the red carpet was out and photographers in abundance. Although the party was sponsored by General Motors it turns out it wasn't even a Republican event. Our first giveaway was the appearance of Mike Farrell, a known lefty. We posed on the red carpet anyway for the Creative Coalition photographers. Then we sang a little bit for the folks outside the party at Tunnel for Congressman John Boehner. It was rather dull, sadly, and it seems the delegates were calling it an early night. I guess they are saving their strength for the next 2 big nights.

Today, Sept. 1st, Tavern on the Green hosted 2 parties, 1 for the Florida delegates and the other for the pro-life gang. Pro-choice hippies came out with signs but the Missile Dick Chicks avoided them and hoped to meet up with Phylis Schlaffly and Ann Coulter. MDC sang our song "Show Us" for the photographers and then "Shop" for the radio station Air America. Then it was back to the boat house for a Dennis Hastert party. Unfortunately boat rides are no longer available. We tried to have lunch there but we were overdressed and the manager didn't want to make his other clients jealous of our wealth so we were not allowed inside.

Later near the library we caused a traffic accident with our striking beauty. (photo courtesy Chris London of manhattansociety.com)
Unfortunately the driver of one of the vehicles was not in a Humvee but a tiny little car. We hope he'll be okay. We were headed to the Bryant Park Grill for a party there. Read more about it in New York Magazine. We were so happy to hear that the park is actually not open to the public, contrary to public perception, which we think is great. Keep the riffraff out, whenever you want!
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